Despite LA offering some of the most unapologetically air-headed dog fads known to humankind – any of which would make for a delightful bit of entertaining telly – City Of Dogs instead chose to focus glumly on all kinds of things about dogs that make us feel bad. Dog homelessness, dog weaponisation, unrehabable shelter dogs mauling their way through families.
We all know it happens (and it’s all very worthy) but do we really want our noses rubbed in it when we’d rather be sharing a “Doggy And Me” message with our own special darling, after spending all day shopping for adorable matching sailor outfits at the specialist pet boutique?
So, in order to restore what is left of your heart and soul if you managed to make it through the whole bleak hour, here are some of the greatest luxuries known to man and beast.
Overnight Resort Experiences
The Barkley Pet Hotel & Day Spa
Your dog can snuffle around between Fursace and Sniffany’s
The Barkley screams New Money. A “resort-style vacation for dogs, cats, birds and exotics”, it is situated in Westlake Village, just north of Malibu. Your dog will be picked up from your house in their VIP pet limousine. If it wants, the dog can be driven to the Barkley via a drive-through McDonalds so he/she doesn’t arrive hungry.
The hotel has three distinct accommodation sections, so whether your dog is from the country, from leafy Beverly Hills or from urban Hollywood, it will instantly feel at home. Accommodation is in glass fronted suites with individual lighting control and a flat-screen TV broadcasting a selection of animal programmes.
A mini replica of Rodeo Drive houses the “Storefront Suites”. In these rooms your dog can snuffle around between Fursace and Sniffany’s. Or there’s Hollywoof Boulevard, if your dog would prefer to spend the evening at the Barclight Cinema or Growlman’s Chinese Theatre?
Paradise Ranch Resort
Out in the Los Angeles countryside (but only 20 minutes from the city and with easy access to Burbank airport) this is the original cage-free boarding concept. Not a boarding kennel, nor a dog hotel, but a full-service dog resort. The first resort to have a dog water park, no less – where they offer both swimming lessons and boogie board lessons.
There are 11 different webcams too so you can get a sense of your dog’s holiday experiences. And at night the dogs sleep “slumber party style together in real homes.”
D Hotel
Slap-bang in the middle of Hollywood – a bone’s throw from Runyan Canyon in one direction, and Pink’s Hot Dogs in the other – the D Hotel is the last word in urban dog cool. It has a sister hotel in Chelsea for their East Coast brethren and a new branch in Scottsdale, Arizona for the country-club set.
Your dog is picked up by the D Hotel Chauffeur Service. Obviously you wouldn’t want the experience to get off on the wrong foot by having your dog travel in the wrong kind of limo, so you can choose how he/she arrives at the hotel. If he’ll only travel in a Porsche, don’t worry, that’s quite alright. As is a Ferrari, a Lamborghini, a Bentley or a Rolls Royce.
The standard suite measures 4’x9’ and feature a Kundara dog bed and flat screen TV. Upgrading to a Sensational Suite gives your dog the kind of hotel room anyone would be pleased to see. A proper double bed, artwork on the walls, a bedside table and lights, plus a 32” flat screen TV. The Uber suites are absolutely enormous and feature a full Queen bed, a 42” TV, and the colour palette of the décor has been designed with a dog’s relaxation in mind.
There’s also an indoor gym with specially customised dog treadmills for dogs who need this time way from home to lose a few pounds, or for those who refuse to exercise outside in the rain. Your dog is personality-profiled to determine their individual play style and needs.
Human Hotels And Dogs
Peninsula, Beverly Hills
In a city of high-end hotels, the Peninsula’s understated luxury stands out. In a quiet corner of Beverly Hills, its bars and restaurants are full of deal-makers from uber-agents CAA. You can often find celebrities like Britney Spears, desperate for paparazzi-free peace, lying by the pool. Anna Nicole Smith and Courtney Love both chose the Peninsula to get high and both ended up rushed to hospital.
It’s the perfect place to take your luxury-loving dog too, as the Peninsula pampers pooches like nowhere else.
Order a Dog Martini – a mixologist’s specially created, low-sodium beef bouillon drink.
Check in with your dog (for just $35 extra) and Fido gets his very own suede doggie bed, embossed with monogrammed hotel logo. His silver water bowl will be filled only with chilled Fiji water. And he can order a Dog Martini – a mixologist’s specially created, low-sodium beef bouillon drink. When he’s hungry he can chose from a gourmet beef hot dog or a New York strip steak with sliced baby carrots. Fancy a walk? One of the hotel’s uniformed Peninsula Pages will take Fido for a stroll around Beverly Hills and then bring him back to the room to be towelled down with his very own personalised towel.
Hotel Bel-Air
Opened in 1946, the Bel-Air soon became a haunt of Hollywood stars and remained a favourite of a very rich, very old clientele until it was bought by the Dorchester Group and given a contemporary makeover this decade. Along with the cream and beige décor, the Precious Paws programme was brought in to attract the rich dog-owning overnighters. Here, the dog beds are fluffy and the bone-shaped drinking bowls can be filled with a choice of different bottled waters. Peanut butter cookies are perfect for the pooch on a high-protein diet and each pet gets a special doggie bandana to wear at night. For some reason.
Beverly Hills Hotel & Bungalows
The Pink Palace welcomes your dog with his or her own bag of doggie cookies, from the hotel’s famous in-house bakery – your dog’s name handwritten on each cookie. He or she also gets one of the hotel’s signature pink tennis balls to play with during the stay.
Exercise Regimes
Thank Dog!
The fashionable dog knows that 2014 is all about high-intensity interval training.
A few years back, doga (or ‘dog yoga’ for those opposed to these tiresome neologisms) was the exercise class to be seen at. Now doga classes are almost only found in the suburbs. The fashionable dog, like its human owner, knows that 2014 is all about high-intensity interval training, or bootcamp.
The Thank Dog! bootcamp classes are most popular, operating out of Burbank and North Hollywood parks. If you want to combine obedience training with a strenuous bootcamp workout, this is where you go. The classes have caught on so fast they’re operating right across the States now. The highest-end dogs can request private bootcamp sessions for them and their friends only.
And if a non-pet owning human wants to go to a Thank Dog! bootcamp that’s no problem either. They will lend you a dog. Or you could perhaps think about taking one of those 35,000 dogs going spare from Louis Theroux’s show.
Runyon Canyon
Taking the dog for a hike or a run around Los Angeles’ premier outdoor space is still probably the most popular dog-owners’ pastime. “Hiking” in LA-speak means “going for a walk wearing workout gear” so hiking can therefore be attempted on more or less any block in the city. The best hikes, however, are to be had where there is the possibility of being ambushed and eaten by a mountain lion – and that means the canyons of the Hollywood Hills.
Picturesque Runyon Canyon is a particularly convenient (and largely predator-free) Great Outdoors on the back doorstep of many an A-lister. On any one day you’re likely to see stars such as Jessica Alba, Amanda Seyfried or Charlize Theron out with their dogs.
In addition to its miles of trails, Runyon offers a 90 acre off-leash dog park. However the 160 acre Parks & Rec property just off Hollywood Boulevard is currently the top dog of parks. Why? Because Ryan Gosling exercises his dog there and there’s a tiny, tiny chance that your dog could make friends with his, George.
Food & Drink
Pussy & Pooch Pet Lifestyle Centre
Want to try Doggie Dating? Try the Monthly Mutt Mingles on the last Thursday of every month.
The Pawbar at the Pussy & Pooch Pet Lifestyle Centre is the city’s top destination restaurant. Your dog can sit with his friends and order off a very fashionable menu – from raw meat burgers drizzled with gourmet sauces, to chicken and rice soup, to desserts such as Yoghund Frozen Yogurt, and treats from the fresh bakery. Not content with providing the top eating-out opportunity for dogs, the Lifestyle centre is also home to the Hills’ top organic meat market for at-home dinner experiences.
There’s also an outdoor patio for after-dinner dog socialising. Want to try Doggie Dating? The Monthly Mutt Mingles on the last Thursday of every month are popular. And if you’re not sure who to introduce your dog to, you can pick up a copy of useful pocket book “Is Your Dog Gay?” to find out.
Three Dog Bakery
Peanut Butter and Carob are this year’s fashionable taste sensations for dogs. The personalised 12” Dino Bone, peanut butter dipped in carob, is the big seller. It’s also the place to go for your dog’s celebration cake. Whether it’s your dog’s birthday, training graduation or just Thanksgiving, Halloween or Hanukkah, there’s a cake for every occasion – which can be made big enough to feed at least ten of their friends too.
And, as no fashionable dog would be caught dead eating wheat in Los Angeles these days, there’s a full wheat-free menu available.
Catts & Doggs
The superstore on the Los Feliz/Silver Lake borders has a more utilitarian vibe, pitched at the hipster rather than the bling end of the city. You can pick up pretty much any kind of accessory, holistic supplement or natural dog food (as well as get a high-quality dog wash or nail clipping).
Fashion & Boutiques
D.O.G Pet Boutique on La Cienega
Leopard is the print du jour for bitches
As befits a fashion store just down the road from Nobu, Trashy Lingerie and Barry’s Bootcamp, this is the only place to dress your small dog.
Big this year in dog swimwear: for boys, the Hawaiian shorts look is everywhere, and leopard is the print du jour for the bitches. And, for the other end of the scale, the Moncler style ski jacket is a must for the winter-sports mutts. A perennial best-seller is the shearling-leather biker jacket, a snip at only $44.95. (Vegan leather, of course.)
There’s a huge range of Airline-Approved dog carriers and slings (much like a baby papoose) you can buy now. As more and more Americans are getting a therapist’s note to prove that their dog is not a ‘pet’ but an ‘Emotional Support Animal’ (and therefore integral to one’s mental wellbeing), more people are travelling across the continent by plane, with dog on lap or spare seat.
Ralph Lauren
Old-school wealth prefers the Ralph Lauren polo monogram on dog jackets and blankets rather than the skull-and-bones or bright colour stylings of trendy labels, sold above, like Hip Doggie, Dogs Of Glamour and Gwen Gear. They are all a bit Paris Hilton now, after all.
Spas & Salons
Healthy Spot
Stylists promise to treat your dog with “the utmost respect”.
Voted “Best Grooming Salon” by Tails magazine for two years running, with their range of organic food, eco-friendly toys and biodegradable grooming products, there’s nothing here to embarrass a fashionable dog. Treatments on the spa menu include the Blueberry Facial, the moisturising Paw Rub and the soothing Calming Tonic. And surely the only way to finish the grooming session is with a full hand-drying of the fur and a blow-out.
K9s Only
Big on their facilities for special needs or non-social dogs, their dog groomers are titled “stylists” and promise to treat your dog with “the utmost respect”.
The Wags Club
A relaxing day out is promised here in Santa Monica, with a huge indoor-outdoor play area. The usual dog groomer specialities are all available, along with full doggie daycare, plus some extras, like a Myofascial Release Massage and Shiatsu.
Muttropolitan Little Tokyo
Reflecting its up-and-coming Downtown LA location, the Muttropolitan in Little Tokyo is probably LA’s hippest day spa. An inexpensive yet chic destination, your dog can get everything it needs done. Including a nail polish (or a ‘pawlish’, in dog parlance). A full make-over is only around $45-65, depending on the size of dog, and they promise “grooming in a tranquil environment”.
Grooming
Anal Gland Expression
For around $7-15 your dog groomer will squeeze around your dog’s bum hole and express the contents of its anal sac – keeping the dog sweet-smelling, clean, free from discomfort and unlikely to want to start licking or biting its own arse.
Sanitary Cut
Clippers applied to your dog’s Down Below area to keep it fresh and free from faeces.
Shampoo and Condition
Keep the fur clean and free from matting. A de-matting add-on is available everywhere for problem dogs and a haircut is included for longer-hair species. The Oatmeal bath experience is currently the only one to give your dog. Any other is very 2013.
Also
Ear Cleaning/Ear Hair Removal: Much the same as any owner over 40 will be doing.
Tooth Brushing: A standard brushing with dog toothpaste starts at about $7 but a full cleaning procedure can be up to $150.
Nail Clipping: This is good (unlike declawing your cat, which is bad).
Plastic Surgery
Just in case the anal gland expression and haircut doesn’t give your dog the confidence to hang out with celebrity dogs, then a plastic surgeon is at hand. The freaky Dr Mengele-style surgery of Brazil’s premier animal plastician, Edgar Brito, like ear cropping and post-pregnancy tummy tucks, is not in fashion in the West Hollywood-Beverly Hills dog salons.
Instead, removing skin folds that are prone to infection, improving vision by eliminating droopy facial skin, or aiding eating by correcting jaw misalignments are big business. Although a bit of liposuction if your dog has been over-indulging on the organic, grass-fed, all-beef hot dogs is not unheard of.
Stress Relief
Reiki sessions are currently most popular because it is thought that your dog is more in control of the treatment
Buddha Dog’s at-home massage service is the most in-demand. Unless you’re a Hollywood A-lister it’s now almost impossible to get your dog an appointment. The massage ranges from $30 for a small dog through to $60 for a big dog (or one that needs extra care). Reiki sessions are currently most popular because it is thought that your dog is more in control of the treatment – “accepting only what they want and need”.
Don’t have the pulling power to secure a regular slot with Buddha Dog? Next best are Inhale and Exhale Paws whose massage and yoga menu has many celebrity fans; or 4Paws2Heal, whose stress-relief massage techniques are much sought-after.
If you and your dog like doing stuff together then Doggy & Me is probably more for you, as they perform massage on both dog and owner either in their office or at your home.
A cheaper form of stress-relief is Bach’s Rescue Remedy which, of course, comes in a special edition for pets.
Dog Trainers
Cesar Milan (a.k.a. “The Dog Whisperer”) has been the A-List trainer of problem dogs for more than a decade but, as his fame has grown through his TV appearances and book sales, so has the backlash to his non-scientific methods – which appear to centre on the owner acting like the super-strong leader of the dog pack and giving your mutt some tough love.
While stars like Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes send their pooches to stay with Cesar at his Santa Clarita ranch when they are off on film sets, there’s a challenger to Cesar’s ways taking over Hollywood.
Tamar Geller is the Anti-Cesar. Her system is “The Loved Dog”. And she describes herself as more a Life Coach for dogs. Oprah, Ben Affleck, Jon Stewart, Natalie Portman and Charlize Theron seem to have signed up to the Tamar way.